Adapting to the Ever-Changing Adventures of Life

One night in early August, I found myself in a circumstance that I hadn’t been in for quite some time—it was 1 a.m. and I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing, panic was setting in, and a sense of dread overtook me.

“You can’t do it.”

“It will be too hard.”

“You will fail.”

These negative notions flew at me while I thought about going to graduate school in a few weeks after just starting a new job. In May, I had graduated after seven years of undergraduate studies. Near the end, I began to feel a lot of college fatigue. By the time I was done, I felt like Frodo after he threw the ring into the fires of Mordor. “I did it. It’s over.” Nevertheless, I decided to charge forward and enroll in the graduate program.

However, as August drew nearer, the feelings of dread grew bigger and bigger until finally, I had to reach for the sleep aid to shut my thoughts off—something I hadn’t had to do in months.

For the past several years, the thought of going to school has been exciting and something I looked forward to. I think it was the idea that one day, when I completed my studies, I would find a good job and “start” a valid career. When I applied for grad school, I was still at the paper, which I knew I’d never retire at. Each year there, it astonished me that we were still open. I knew there was no future at the newspaper. After graduating, I did land a job I saw a very long and promising future at. So maybe my dread for going back to school half came from everything being so “new” right now and half because I was no longer trying to escape something to unsure I’d be okay someday.

Not only that, but I thought about how busy I had been for the last seven years and how nice it would be to “just” work.

I thought about how I wanted more time, for the first time in seven years, to enjoy fall and go on more trips with Caesar and Jeter. What if I could go to Cuyahoga anytime during the fall and not worry about what homework was due? What if I could come home this fall and winter and just BE – with no deadlines, no stress, no worry about what’s due. I thought about how I want to volunteer more and spend more time on things I enjoy. I thought about how I could focus on my physical and mental health. So it came down to… What if I could just worry about only work for once?

Quite honestly, I don’t have anyone I feel like I can talk to who really listens. Most of my struggles I keep to myself because people don’t want to be bothered with other people’s problems. Sure, I know people who would listen, but I hate to just dump all these negative feelings on them. The people close to me usually offer no sound advice and often change the subject back to them anyway—that’s not really what I need right now. Plus, I have this overwhelming fear of being perceived as a failure for having these feelings of dread over going to grad school. I don’t want to make it seem like it’s something I never want to do, and I don’t want to give people a reason to say, “I knew she couldn’t do it,” because, despite my late-night thoughts, I know I can.

I did, however, end up telling my sister about my dread, and she came back with a simple response: “Why don’t you take a year off.” Surprisingly, as simple as it was, I hadn’t considered it. Taking a year off felt too close to quitting and I dreaded hearing things like “If you don’t go now, you’ll never go” or “But I thought that’s what you wanted?”

The thing is, sometimes what we want changes. You don’t have to want the same thing for your whole life. In fact, I’d dare to say most of us do change our wants and desires. I DO want to go to grad school, and I will, but what I wanted in the immediate future changed when I was able to change careers. Now what I want is some time to regroup—I want some time off.

I’m not usually want to pause and relax but hearing someone else suggest taking some time to myself made me think about it differently.

Is pausing to regain your mental health a failure? Is forcing yourself to keep going even though it hurts the right thing? Over the past two months as Aug. 23 inched closer and closer I thought, “Suck it up. Just do it. You can cry when you get your hood.” And that may be true, but after Sabrina suggested a year off, I began to wonder how much better I might do if I took a gap year.

If I kept going, would I be happy? Would I maintain my 4.0 GPA? Would I be successful? And what would happen if Caesar or Jeter died next year; they are both well into their senior years now, and with Caesar turning 10 this year, I realize my time is limited. Wouldn’t I regret not spending more quality time with him than I would be finishing my master’s sooner?

So, I bit the bullet, and I emailed my department head to request an acceptance deferral until next fall and he accepted. Sometimes, we must know our limits. Right now, I’ve reached mine when it comes to school. Things change—life changes, and we have to be able to adapt to the situations as well. And that’s what I’m doing—adapting.

Please know, this isn’t giving up, it’s just the buildup to the next amazing chapter.

(Last three photos were from a recent trip to Minnesota where I saw Green Day — a trip that happened when I was supposed to be starting school again)