I Am Scared (So I Wandered Into The Forest)

The warm autumn sun shines through the tall oaks and sturdy maples. It hits my face and illuminates my soul. I pause for a moment on a bridge. I look out into the trees, close my eyes, and see the light filter through my eyelids. I listen carefully to the wind rustling the leaves that remain pinned to their assigned trees. Every once in a while, another leaf flutters down to the forest floor where it will lay until it withers away.

I move through the woods, tuning out the sound of my boots crunching crispy leaves. I take a deep breath and let the cool, fall air fill my lungs; I smell a bonfire. A little further and the smell fades; now I breathe in decay. There is a certain smell leaves give off as they die. Have you smelt it? They try to make candles that resemble this smell, but they always fall short. You can’t mimic the life and death that occurs within the forest walls.

I trek on and some rustling deep in the woods stops me in my tracks. A nut falls from the sky, and the crash echos around me. A squirrel chases after it. I pause and stare at him. I am not invisible, and he sees me. His eyes meet mine, and I am reluctant to move. When I finally do, he runs off into the forest and under leaves, his brown body blending with the fallen parts of the trees.

I move through the forest, closing my eyes whenever the sun peaks through and dares touch me. A bird’s song catches my ear, and I listen, remembering when I was young and the spring Robins would wake me on a Saturday morning as a new sunrise filtered through my east facing window.

Here, today, I have never felt so connected with the Earth. A tinge of sadness suddenly touches my heart and my eyes begin to swell. Today, I canceled all my plans to be in this woods. Today, I mourn for tomorrow. You see, I came to the woods to fill my soul with hopefulness, but the more I drifted amount the dead leaves, the more my mind filled with worries. 

I am scared––I am scared for tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow. I am scared for the woods and all of the woods just like this all across our lands. There are people like me: the protectors, and then there are the others––those who destroy and even worse: those who are complacent to the destruction. 

I am scared––I am scared for the future generations––that they may not have a future to even be scared for. I am scared that when the rivers are contaminated with oil and the last trees are cut down in the name of “progress” that those that come after me will go to breathe and will suffocate on poisoned air and drown in polluted oceans. 

I am scared––I am scared that there are good people and there are bad people and so few times when the good people actually stand up and say, “hey, that’s not right!” I’m scared that people have become too complacent, too willing to believe falsehoods, too afraid to stand up and speak out.

Today, I am scared.

But I entered these woods looking for hope, and just as soon as these worries entered my heart they left as I began to look around. The leaves fall off and die, but I know that the trees are still alive. In the spring, a renewal will begin and the woods will continue to breathe for anyone willing to listen––anyone willing to care. 

I leave the woods, renewed and refreshed, with the knowledge that no matter what happens tomorrow, I will still be alive, the trees will be alive, and the fight for hope will still wage on.

All photos were taken 11/2/20 at Lindenwood Nature Preserve in Allen County Indiana.