Repeat after me: “I cannot control others. I cannot control how they treat me. I cannot control how they feel about me or how they react to situations. I cannot make others care.” Say this over and over until it really sets in.
The truth is, no matter how much you want to, you simply cannot control other people’s feelings and actions; sometimes, you can’t even control your own feelings and reactions. What you can do, is decide how you will use a negative experience with another person in order to help yourself move forward.
In the past week, I’ve wanted nothing more than to make people understand how I feel; but, if anything, I feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere. Today, after yet another disappointment from someone I care about, I took Caesar and we ventured on a five-mile walk through the River Greenway in Decatur. The trees protected us from the rain, and the rain warded off other hikers. The aloneness of the woods gave me a lot of quiet time to think and reflect.
As my mind thought about other humans and how complicated we are, I stared down at Caesar. Walking in front of me was this perfect being who isn’t even capable of disappointing me. I contemplated how maybe I am expecting too much from other people. If we look to be healed by others, we are going to be very disappointed. How can we expect another human to heal us when most of them are broken in some way themselves?
Self-healing really only comes from one person and one person alone – yourself. If you want another living being that is 100 percent loyal, never spiteful, and doesn’t come with a bunch of unresolved childhood trauma…. get a dog. You simply are not going to find it in another human.
Dogs just aren’t capable of feeling resentment. Even dogs who come from abused pasts are able to heal to the point where they can give themselves fully to another person. Dogs live in the present, always. Maybe spending so much time with a dog has set the bar too high for what I expect out of other people. Maybe my expectations – maybe all of our expectations of others – are what is holding us back from self-healing?
Unfortunately, people aren’t dogs. Many of us don’t mentally live in the present. We all constantly carry around baggage from the past that makes us bitter, lonely, and sometimes mean. We all worry about the future far, far too much considering we have very little control of it, which makes us fearful and gives us anxiety. Very few of us have our minds in the right here and right now.
In December, I set my mind on 2020 being the year I learn how to love myself better. I decided to change my eating habits, set a 10,000 daily step goal, and set a reading and writing schedule. I also decided to work on my mental health which meant distancing myself from those who let off bad vibes, trying new things, and working on my own unresolved trauma in order to be a better human. I find myself often upset by the actions of others, but the more I work through my thoughts and feelings, the more I realize that the only way I’m going to make the world better, even if it’s just my own little world, is by making myself better. If we all did that, bit by bit, the Earth might feel a little bit nicer of a place to live.
Earlier I said we can’t control what others do and say to us or even how we may react to them, but we can control what we take away from the experience when it’s done. If you’re looking for self-healing in 2020, here’s how you do it – learn lessons from your experiences and make an upward plan for where you go next. Stop expecting others to heal you and start healing yourself. But most importantly, work on empathy.
It’s important to learn that not every one who hurts you is evil. Sometimes, people are dealing with their own unresolved trauma and they are so stuck in a loop of negativity and harming others that they don’t even know what they are doing. These are the people, even if they are close to you, that you should expect the least from. Like I said, how can someone heal you when they themselves are broken?
You’re not going to win every battle with your mind, but that is okay. The important thing is to get up and try again tomorrow. I believe in you and I know you have the power to continue on your self-healing journey.
As I end this post, I think about how I wrote most of this in my head on the trail with my dog. I know not everyone loves nature, but I began my walk upset and near tears in my car, and I ended our five-mile adventure feeling so positive and at peace. For me, a simple walk in the woods with my best friend has so much power. It’s just another tool on my 2020 journey of self-healing.