I ran the bathwater as hot as I could get it, even boiled some water on the stove, and poured it in. I added some elderberry bubble bath to help draw out the sickness. “Alexa, play Alt Nation on Sirius XM,” I called out. I set everything by the tub: extra towels so I could dry my hands, my iPad so I could browse Pinterest, water bottles so I could hydrate, and a copy of Halsey’s “I’d leave me too if I could.”
I undressed and lowered myself into the steaming-hot abyss. The steam rose, my skin turned red, and the water embraced me in a scalding hug. I pulled the bubbles nearer to me, sunk down until my face was the only thing above the water, and bent my knees up. My thigh tattoos stuck out above the pearly foam.
On the right, Travis Barker stared at me, albeit upside down. On the left, large, bold letters peered through the glistening bubbles.
About eight years ago, I got a relatively large tattoo of lyrics from Paramore’s “Last Hope” with one of my best friends. The lyrics—“It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore”—spoke to both of us. Most of the time, I don’t see this tattoo; it’s usually hidden by my pants. But, today, it glared at me.
I reflected.
When I got this tattoo, I hurt a lot. The song resonated with me. Hayley Williams wrote the Paramore Self-Titled album after a lot of hurt in her life. “Last Hope” is about letting things just happen—about accepting the things we can’t change and using the things that have hurt us to become stronger.
My early 20s were rough—full of pain, anger, and depression. I felt a lot of hurt from relationships that didn’t work out, family bonds that had been broken, dreams that hadn’t come to fruition, and, to top it off, I was also committing acts of self-destruction (drinking too much, sleeping too little, not taking care of myself well). To be honest, I was still terrified of hurting when I got the tattoo, but it felt like, if nothing else, it could be an aspiration—something to strive toward.
Over the past eight years, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and self-growth. A lot changed around age 25 when I found a career that felt meaningful. Finally, I could put my writing to work for me, and I felt like I could be someone who made a difference. Finding a purpose is incredible for self-healing.
The things that hurt me now aren’t the same things that hurt me then, and they also don’t devastate me like they would a decade ago. I am not afraid of being hurt anymore, truly. I’m okay with feeling hurtful emotions—they don’t scare me. It’s how I know I’m alive.
I also appreciate that being hurt is a natural thing that occurs in this world. Without being sad, we can’t experience joy. This is inner growth; it’s finding inner peace with how the world works. Not everything is going to be okay all the time.
As the water cooled and the bubbles began to dissipate, my reflection came to an end. I pulled the drain and let the water wash away all the hurt I had been feeling for the past several days, knowing that I’ve come so far, learned so much, and will continue to face the hurt in this world with strength and dignity. These tattoos truly do tell a story.
